I can feel it coming, like the darkness at night. You know it's coming yet there seems to be nothing you can do to stop it. It closes in around me, squeezing, suffocating. I can't seem to keep my head above it and I start to panic. All the memories from the past, thoughts of the future and difficulties of the present bombard every last crevice of my mind. It encompasses my mind, body and soul and for a short while I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one, nothing to guide me to the edge of this abyss.
Every time this feeling strikes, it does get a little easier to drag myself out of this virtual pit. But it is still hard. Every. Single. Time. I try not to become bitter. Hateful. Sullen. I imagine the type of person I want to become. Happy. Content. Loving. Resilient. Kind. Why is self actualisation not easy...or at least come with a manual. Something to follow. How does one find forefillment?
I want to be content and happy with it being just me and my babies, but this loneliness is debilitating and I can't see a solution...
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