On the other side of fear.

What I'm terrified of is, whats to stop their father reinserting himself in their lives a few years down the track when things are easier and they have grown into special little people and claim that it is his hard work and sacrifice that has allowed them to be the people they are. Yes he has every right to see his children but you can not pick and choose the moments you want to be apart of because its convenient for you. You are a parent, you get to the good with the bad.

 

I just feel tired. Tired of thinking. Doing. Trying. Negotiating with a non-responsive ass. I feel as though everything that I have done and am doing, is amounting to bugger all. And if I've put all this effort in and the end product is bugger all, what's the point? Ah it's nights like these that I wish I could wipe my mind clear of ALL thoughts and sleep.

After pushing and prodding with numerous emails, I finally got my ex to agree to some sort of consistent visitation. A whole 24 hours every 14 days is all he would agree to...24 hours out of 336 hours...for me this is both a relief and also frustrating. My relief comes from the fact that I would have to be without my babies for too long and when they come back its always a mission to calm them and allow the time to readjust.

My frustration comes from multiple directions. The first is that the children only get to see their father for a sort period of time. My daughter misses him and this is the only time of his that he would 'sacrifice'. How am I to explain to her why she cant see her father more often. Clearly I'm not telling a 6 year old that her father is a (insert vulgar language) that is so unbelievably selfish he is not willing to put in the miniscule amount of effort and time required to see and be with what is essentially his own flesh and blood! I know taking care of an 18 month old isn't easy and requires a lot of effort, time and constant supervision and entertainment. And yes it is difficult getting him to sleep, eat and its not fun changing his poopy nappy and having to bath him two to three times a day because he get disgusting dirty playing outside or eating his food. But you do it and you love it because you're his parent and you love him more than life itself.


When I think of all the things I've had to push for since the separation, I guess I have achieved a substantial amount and grown into a more confident and self assured woman. But when I look forward I see the mountain that I am yet to climb and it makes my previous accomplishments seem small.

Every day seems to bring a new worry, to add to the ever growing list that I have accumulated in my mind. I honestly don't think that I will ever resolve them, so instead I am choosing to pour out what is in my mind onto here in an attempt to clear it...even if it is only slight to allow for more positive thoughts to take their place. I want to free my mind!