Life is Too Short!

Next I would like to book for a night down in Margaret River. Make an adventure of driving down there and back. No planning of activities. Just go and 'wing' it. Make it up as I go. Experience something different, I know this will make me feel uncomfortable...the unknown...but I'm willing to give it a shot! Maybe I'll visit the cheese / fudge / chocolate factories. Go on a wine tasting solo. Dinner at the pub.

My ex had the children Saturday night. I was left hanging, waiting for someone to invite me to do something. Anything. And nothing. Nobody. I felt slightly dejected. But then I started to think, why on earth am I waiting for someone to invite me out? Why aren't I creating these opportunities for myself? 

 

I've been given time, this precious gift and I was leaving it to someone else to decide what to do! How crazy is that! This then lead me to wondering what I would do. What do I want to do with this precious gift? I decided that I needed to spend some quality time with myself. Doing the things I've always wanted to do, dreamed of doing but never had the opportunity or the money. No more making excuses or relying on others for instant 'happiness' that only lasts for short bursts and then leaves me feeling worse than before.

What have I dreamed of doing? Simple things that my lack of time of confidence has stopped me from doing. I can recognize that I have a fear of being alone. And I'm not referring just to having a partner, but being physically by myself. Packing up the car and driving somewhere. Going to the movies, an art gallery.

So far I've decided that I will drive to see my sister in Bunbury, stay the night. While I'm there I will visit my pregnant girlfriend and then drive to the beach, or keep driving until I find an interesting destination. I will stop drag out my art supplies and headphones and spend some time drawing/sketching/painting. 


I want to enroll in a painting course. Learn from an experienced professional who will teach me and inspire me. Show me how to use the appropriate tools and properly! I feel this will feed my creative side and allow me to express my feelings and thoughts in a different way.

I would very tentatively like to enroll in an risque lap dancing or pole dancing course. I say tentatively because this is something a lot of people may not understand - my parents included. This would assist in allowing me to explore myself in a more physical manner. To force myself to be comfortable in my own skin, to love my body and appreciate every curve, stretch mark and lumpy area. If I'm not comfortable and if I don't love my body, how the hell am I going to be comfortable with someone else looking at me, touching me!

Oh the joys of finding oneself!!

On the other side of fear.

What I'm terrified of is, whats to stop their father reinserting himself in their lives a few years down the track when things are easier and they have grown into special little people and claim that it is his hard work and sacrifice that has allowed them to be the people they are. Yes he has every right to see his children but you can not pick and choose the moments you want to be apart of because its convenient for you. You are a parent, you get to the good with the bad.

 

I just feel tired. Tired of thinking. Doing. Trying. Negotiating with a non-responsive ass. I feel as though everything that I have done and am doing, is amounting to bugger all. And if I've put all this effort in and the end product is bugger all, what's the point? Ah it's nights like these that I wish I could wipe my mind clear of ALL thoughts and sleep.

After pushing and prodding with numerous emails, I finally got my ex to agree to some sort of consistent visitation. A whole 24 hours every 14 days is all he would agree to...24 hours out of 336 hours...for me this is both a relief and also frustrating. My relief comes from the fact that I would have to be without my babies for too long and when they come back its always a mission to calm them and allow the time to readjust.

My frustration comes from multiple directions. The first is that the children only get to see their father for a sort period of time. My daughter misses him and this is the only time of his that he would 'sacrifice'. How am I to explain to her why she cant see her father more often. Clearly I'm not telling a 6 year old that her father is a (insert vulgar language) that is so unbelievably selfish he is not willing to put in the miniscule amount of effort and time required to see and be with what is essentially his own flesh and blood! I know taking care of an 18 month old isn't easy and requires a lot of effort, time and constant supervision and entertainment. And yes it is difficult getting him to sleep, eat and its not fun changing his poopy nappy and having to bath him two to three times a day because he get disgusting dirty playing outside or eating his food. But you do it and you love it because you're his parent and you love him more than life itself.


When I think of all the things I've had to push for since the separation, I guess I have achieved a substantial amount and grown into a more confident and self assured woman. But when I look forward I see the mountain that I am yet to climb and it makes my previous accomplishments seem small.

Every day seems to bring a new worry, to add to the ever growing list that I have accumulated in my mind. I honestly don't think that I will ever resolve them, so instead I am choosing to pour out what is in my mind onto here in an attempt to clear it...even if it is only slight to allow for more positive thoughts to take their place. I want to free my mind!

Loneliness

I can feel it coming, like the darkness at night. You know it's coming yet there seems to be nothing you can do to stop it. It closes in around me, squeezing, suffocating. I can't seem to keep my head above it and I start to panic. All the memories from the past, thoughts of the future and difficulties of the present bombard every last crevice of my mind. It encompasses my mind, body and soul and for a short while I feel like I'm drowning and there is no one, nothing to guide me to the edge of this abyss.

Every time this feeling strikes, it does get a little easier to drag myself out of this virtual pit. But it is still hard. Every. Single. Time. I try not to become bitter. Hateful. Sullen. I imagine the type of person I want to become. Happy. Content. Loving. Resilient. Kind. Why is self actualisation not easy...or at least come with a manual. Something to follow. How does one find forefillment?

I want to be content and happy with it being just me and my babies, but this loneliness is debilitating and I can't see a solution...

We Mature with the Damage.

  

So lately I've been going out a fair amount with different men. All with different personalities, aims, physical features and ages. I've found myself desperately trying to source a person to relate to, laugh with and that doesn't want anymore from me than I can give. I need someone that can assist with my own personal growth, in a positive direction and support me as a friend. The more I searched, the more I realized that I wasn't going to find it...at least not for a while. There seems to be no point in actively searching for something, especially when I'm honestly not even sure what I really want.

Maybe I was just after some company. Because when I really thought about it, I'm not ready for another partner, another person to share myself with. My babies. My life. My heart. I still want to have that closeness, go to dinner, watch movies, talk over a glass of wine and have sex. But I don't want the commitment just yet. I think my heart still has a lot of healing to do. I'm not sure how to do this, but I'm sure with time and counseling and the support of my amazing family, I will be 100% healed, happy and full of life.

One thing I need to continually remind myself is to remain positive. To know how I should be treated and spoken to, and make sure that whom ever I am with, they respect me and love me for me. I deserve to be happy.

How do you begin again?

Is it possible to start again after dedicating 10 years to what ended as a failed relationship? All the unanswered questions, will they ever be resolved, answered, or are they destined to haunt until you can no longer remember? Because I fear I will never forget, so now I am faced with the struggle to find a way to move past this, with the knowledge that is may remain illusive. Am I / was I at fault? Did I not do enough to keep him interested? Did I deserve to be treated the way he treated me? Did I make the right decision not to go back? Am I strong enough to survive this and become a better person? Will I ever truly be able to find happiness? Is there someone out there for me? Do I need someone? Who wants to be with someone that has to children already? Who would want me, a single mum, studying full time, no money, who lives at home with her parents because her ex, the father of her children, would not move out of the family home. All these and many more continuously flow through my mind, they can not be squashed, and always, always creep into the back of my subconscious, making me second guess myself. Doubt myself. Even four months later I'm still struggling, but I recognize and accept my emotional state, feel what I have to feel and move forward. Some days are easier than others, some days I feel as though I'm moving backwards, others that I am making leaps and bounds in a positive direction. I look forward to the day when I have balance, courage and happiness. One day.